A Friend Named Allen

Read on to discover the enlightening words and wisdom of my newest Chinese friend, Allen.



Alex and Kurt: We should go check out another bar, maybe there's a chance that there will be more people.

Allen: Yeah. But...MAYBE there's NO chance. Maybe its IMPOSSIBLE.


(A policeman stops the Bus)
Alex: Hey Allen, whats going on? Is there a problem?

Allen: Maybe...perhaps they are looking for my ex-girlfriend.


Allen: Alex...whats another way to say ugly?

Alex: Well, you could say unattractive, homely, plain...or you could say Fugly. Its a combination of the word fucking and ugly.

Allen: (immediately) Where is Kurt?


(later, Allen is lost and returns to the group fifteen minutes later)
Kurt: Allen, I was worried about you.

Allen: Yeah, I was worried about you too. Someone told me you were Fugly.


Mandy: Allen, what kind of performance is this going to be?

Allen: We are going to see a basketball game.

Mandy: Oh...I see...

Allen: (smirks) Gullible

(later, we pass a basketball court on the way to the performance)

Mandy: Allen, is this where the performance is?

Allen: (bewildered) Wh-what?


Allen: I love Mr. Bean. He is what you could call a king of comedy.


Allen: Whenever I play Warcraft 3 I play as the green people. My favorite units are the cow people and the wolf doctors.


Allen: I will tell you a Chinese joke. (draws a circle and points to the top of it) What is this?

Alex: Um...the North Pole?

Allen: Yes. North Pole. And what are the birds that live there?

Alex: Um...(contemplates explaining there are no penguins in the North Pole) Penguins.

Allen: Yes. Penguins. What do you call a person who works for a newspaper?

Alex: Is this part of the joke?


Allen: Alex...if someone is lying to me can I say "Don't shit me"?



EDIT: I got two more from over the weekend.



(Buying a phone, Allen is getting better deals from each place he goes...one place offers him an extra battery if he buys a phone with them)



Alex: Allen, that sounds like a good deal.



Allen: Yeah...but I think that battery isn't so good. Perhaps it was made...in China...





(Playing counterstrike)



Allen: This fugly guy here took my gun. Don't take my gun. Oh fine...I guess I'll just stand behind you and wait for you to die.





Allen: So...early bird gets the worm...this teaches us to be early right?



Alex: Yeah.



Allen: And if you are the early worm you will be eaten.